Today I’m one year older. My hair is a little grayer, the corners of my mouth a little bit more wrinkled when I smile. I’m not too proud to say that I’ve learned some things over the past 12 months. In fact, this has been a big year of discovery for me — and I wanted to share the knowledge that I’ve accumulated. I hope you learn a little something too.
Some things I’ve learned this year:
Cats have teeth. Christopher Nolan was convicted of murder when he was 17. If you think hard enough about a type of food you want, that food item will be delivered to you in 24 hours or less. Sweaters aren’t actually made of sweat. Italy is no longer part of Germany. 24 + 4 equals 30, no matter what the calculator tells you. They say it’s “not the size of the vessel but the motion of the ocean,” but in reality, what’s really important is how many sharks there are. Jack Ruby had three daughters, and all of them were named Jacqueline Ruby. The trick to tying a tight knot is to lubricate the knot with cookie dough. True power isn’t gained through fear or respect, but by getting all of the achievements in Project Gotham Racing 4. Scientists have learned that steaks cry while you eat them. Sanding a rough surface only makes it smoother for 10 minutes. In 1861, a treaty was reached between werewolves and vampires establishing a peaceful union on Planet Earth. Socks are actually gloves. When making an investment, the most important factor is how cool the investment seems to teenagers. A watched pot not only never boils, but will openly mock you. Babies are not delivered directly from heaven on a large, crystalline escalator. Exercising anything more than your left deltoid has been scientifically proven to be a waste of energy. You eat, on average, 4000 spiders every year. Murder is completely legal in 14 of the 50 states. Rabbits not only don’t “breed like rabbits,” but actually dislike other rabbits, preferring the trunk of a tree or an anteater. Success in business can be nearly guaranteed if you place a circle of spiritually binding salt around the perimeter of your business. A year on Earth is equal to three years on the Moon. No matter what age you are, openly crying if you lose in Street Fighter is fine. John Lennon wrote “Purple Haze.” Garlic salt, onion salt, and regular salt are all basically the same. When negotiating, screaming “fuck your mother” at the other party is considered strategically very savvy.